Reaches my Reaching

So this post is not a continuation of the 25 Things About Me...just a regular post. Sorry to dissappoint, but you still get to know me from my narratives, remember?

Yesterday I logged in to my gmail account online and for whatever reason, decided to see how far back my emails went. All the way back to August 2006. And next thing I knew, I was hooked on reading about my life at that time through emails. It's amazing how much you forget about your experiences from recently past years.


Basically my life was all fun during the fall of 2006. I was doing an internship at Lockheed Martin in Colorado, had introduced the Gospel to a guy at work that I was dating, and was planning on marrying this person the next year. When I was reading the emails, I remembered the happiness and silliness from that time.


Then 2007 emails hit. It was almost astonishing reading the emails from one month to the next and realizing how fast everything went downhill; in a matter of a month. Suddenly my fun emails turned to pain-filled emotional ones, and a remembrance of that pain came back. Being broken up with with no explanation; seeing this person I thought I was going to marry turn his back on the Gospel; having to work with this person each and every day who ignored and even despised my very existence. I remembered that feeling of a physical hole in my heart and the loss. It was awful, which is an understatement.


I continued to sift through emails, through the summer of 2007. Soon they were filled with more hope, less sorrow and irritation. Suddenly another person showed up in my life, someone who had been special to me years before in high school. It started out friendly, and once again, disappointment and sadness hit. I saw everyone struggling around me and it weighed heavily on me. I kept reaching out for friendship and always got my hand slapped. I don't think I was reaching out in the right way. Relationships with loved ones were and became more difficult.


And then I saw that I was emailing my oldest sister a lot. We were talking about life, about the Gospel and church, about feelings about the future. It meant and still means so much to me. She came to Colorado to go with me to a pioneer trek and it was an amazing and fun experience to have her there with me during that time in my life.

Then the fall of 2007 hit. My mom came next to visit me in Colorado, wanted to see family landmarks while she was there. I remembered having decided at that time that I was done with dating--it hurt too bad and it wasn't what I wanted my life to center around. I wasn't very happy, so I told Heavenly Father that I was going to focus on Him and be good, and that was all that would matter.


I was grumpy during my mom's visit (sorry Mom). I was tired one day, and it happened to be on the day that we were heading to visit Erie, the Garden of the Gods, and then a friend of my mom's who lived in Colorado Springs.







Eventually when we got to Colorado Springs, I was done. It was 8 p.m., I didn't care to be there just because it had been a long day and I knew this wouldn't be a short trip. We were there until the very early hours. And it turns out I was loving it. I had never laughed so hard in my life than during that night. And yes, these are pictures from that night--at 3:30 a.m.! We ended up spending the night because it was so ridiculously late.









I kept reading through emails between my then-engaged oldest sister and my mom; I loved being with this family on the weekends. It was a breath of fresh air to be around them when I had been feeling so alone and weary emotionally; and next thing I knew I was falling hard for someone. Little did I know that Heavenly Father had been preparing me for one of my greatest blessings in this life: my husband. Wow, it was amazing reading my emails about Niklas. It was so funny and so sweet. I had that high from being in love with a wonderful man.

After reading this little snippet in my life, I realized that God had been there guiding my life the whole time. I didn't realize how much He was there supporting me, giving me those hard experiences to influence and to grow. Grudges and emotional battles I had been praying about have been lifted in abundance, without me even realizing it. I couldn't believe how much I had grown from those experiences. I caught a glimpse of how Heavenly Father sees me: a daughter who is learning and striving, not a mistake-ridden ball of insecurity as I would often see myself. I really felt His love for me and gratitude filled my whole soul.

I just had to share. It made me realize I need to save all of these emails; the good, the bad, the ugly for myself. I learned so much from my past; and I know you can too. :)