Dear Blog,
I've decided that you are more of a personal journal more than an entertainment blog for others at this point. :) I don't even care if something I post right now is taboo, etc. I am in one of those funks...
It's my dad's birthday today. Happy birthday Dad (again)! But it's got me thinking about time, and how fast it goes the older you get. I'm already having those, "Wow, I'm getting older and that's sort of depressing" thoughts, and I'm not even out of my 20's yet. But why should getting older be so depressing, I ask myself? Is it just because we think being older is no fun? Like life loses its potential for joy and happiness just because are kids are getting older and we are getting wrinkles? I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that we are that much closer to death. But then, why should death be seen so gloomily? It's just the next step. But most of us fear the passage into the somewhat unknown; and maybe that's why it's depressing as we get older.
Despite these gloomy thoughts on my part, I realize that I'm going to be 25 weeks pregnant tomorrow. How awesome is that? I keep thinking about this little girl and wondering who she is. Of course I am looking forward to seeing what she looks like---but who is she? I wish I could start finding that out now, but I'll have to be patient for another 15+ weeks. And even then, she'll only reveal her little personality in time, all through her growing up years.
I am so excited to become a mother, and so freaked out at the same time. I was just telling my mother-in-law this weekend that I am looking forward to having the initial time with baby (the "What the heck am I doing?!" period) ease off and getting into a more familiar routine. Everything is easier to take once you know what it is like and it is familiar. I personally love the familiar. :) I realize I may be asking myself, "What the heck am I doing?!" the rest of my life as a mom. Knowing my tendency to beat myself up with the guilt stick, I'm sure I'll feel like I've fallen short as a parent no matter what I do and don't do. However, despite all that...I want to take on this challenge of raising children. It is one of the noblest callings out there, and gets far too little credit.
Funny now when I think about my time as a kid and how I viewed my parents. As far as I was concerned, they were one team working together as Mom & Dad. Now that I'm at the starting point of having a family, I realize how much I don't feel like a team with Niklas, a.k.a., not agreeing on everything when it comes to how to raise children, etc. However, I'm suspecting no matter what we will end up disagreeing on, our children may still view us as a team with one mind. It must be the children's purity that projects that onto us older and "wiser" adults who know we are still trying to figure things out. ;)
And speaking of being a team... I have this back-burner, slight fear that Niklas and I won't even know each other at the end of our lives when our children are all moved out and it's just us again. No, I'm not trying to borrow trouble; I have just heard about it happening too often to couples who didn't make time for each other. It's hard now just to make a date night, etc. happen, and I'm already feeling the loss of that at times. It's only going to get harder after having children... we need to make it happen no matter how busy we are in life. But, like usual, that's easier said than done. :( I have no solution for this; only that if it is important to both Niklas and I, we'll make it happen. And obviously, it hasn't been important enough so far, and that needs to change.
So there you have it. A sneak peek into my funk. These thoughts are the tip of the iceburg, but that's okay for now. Overall, I am eagerly anticipating having my little girl and having Niklas graduate with his Bachelor's degree. I'm ready for some change, despite my love of the familiar; and man, will I be getting plenty of it over the next year.
Oh, and Niklas' family was here last weekend for my sister-in-law's graduation, and it was a blast. :) I really needed it. And they even threw me a surprise baby shower! It was so nice, and Clara (that's the name we have picked out---Clara Mae) is getting so spoiled already (though my mother-in-law has stated that it's not being spoiled, but LOVED). :)
Take care, blog. Thanks for listening.
Love,
Karen
3 comments:
Just a few thoughts after reading your thoughts...
"Normal" might be something you'll toss out the window after having children. There are so many new situations to challenge your thinking... it will be very different from your old "normal" if you manage to settle into one. A certain amount of noise, frustration and chaos has to be built into the definition. ;-) (And there is a lot of joy and delight in there as well.)
You will be amazed at how much you will learn about your little one's personality from day one, although it certainly deepens as they mature. You'll soon learn if they get angry and demanding when they are hungry... or whether they are just heartbroken and sad when things aren't feeling right. You'll learn if they are easily frightened or pretty laid back about strange noises and occurrences. You'll notice if they are especially observant and alert to their external world or more inward... all in the first couple of days. It's an amazing and awesome experience to become a parent. They were God's first before they become our stewardship. You won't be doing it all on your own. It's a comfort to know how invested He is in your/His children... especially when they go through the teenage years. :-)
Love, Mom
As much as it's nice to have a routine we wouldn't have as much opportunity to grow if we didn't have something (or someone) to force us out of our comfort zone. Motherhood is hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, but it's also been one of the most fulfilling. I have lots of days where I feel like a horrible Mom, but there are so many nice moments tucked in there too - you just have to take the time to step back and appreciate them.
No worries. You'll survive motherhood the same way everyone else has - one day at a time. I wasted a lot of time thinking things would go back to normal once I had the baby, but one the baby comes you'll have a new normal. Just give yourself time to figure out what that is and try not to get too frustrated.
.... BTW, we need some pictures on here to see that cute belly!!
In this post, I wasn't meaning that I would have a new normal after having a baby...only that I looked forward to knowing, firsthand, what it's really like to have a newborn in the home (and not speculating on it based on what others have said). I look forward to knowing more on how to handle the baby, how to feed her, etc. But I appreciate both of your thoughts, nonetheless. :) I know it will be hard and is so worth it.
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